I feel like this post needs a permanent place here in my life. We (my husband- then boyfriend- and I) shared this a couple years ago after I started seeing a grief therapist. It has some raw emotion in it and it was rewritten so many times.
Baby Morgan is such a big part of my life and who I am that I will always share our story and hope that if you have a similar story, you feel you are not alone.
This was shared on Facebook January 29, 2019.
Ectopic pregnancy
Tubal pregnancy
Early pregnancy loss A topic that nobody ever wants to talk about or acknowledge, but one that is very real. One that our little home has been dealing with for the last several months. On May 20, 2018 I had been texting my mom around 10 pm and Nathan was rushing me to our local emergency room. We had no idea what was going on, why there was so much blood, or why I was in so much pain I couldn’t stop crying or sit still or walk really. The hospital admitted me by 11pm, had me hooked up to an IV, had 6 units of morphine going, along with some anti-nausea meds. I passed out once while at the hospital either from pain or blood loss, not sure. They did a blood test and finally decided that even though the week prior I had a period they wanted to do a pregnancy test too. Following a positive test they did an internal ultrasound, took all kinds of measurements, and then brought the news in.
“You were pregnant.” Then followed by: “it was ectopic. Your tube is ruptured and you need surgery. The OR team will be down in a little bit to talk with you and take you up.”
That is some of the scariest news ever. We were scared. I had just worked a 14 hour day, Nathan was supposed to do a flight stage check in the morning and we are sitting in the ER at midnight scared to death.
Before I knew it I signed a million papers, verified my birthdate a thousand times, and was now in pre-op getting my hair pulled up, all my earrings out, handing my blanket to my mom and handing all my clothes and belongings over to Nathan. There was a dozen or so people that came by my bed to introduce themselves as members of my surgery team. I was hooked up to a dozen machines. I kissed Nathan bye and hugged my mom and then the anesthesiologist told me to count backwards from 10. I remember hitting 6.
I woke up a few hours later being handed fluids and being disconnected from 100 wires and was told I did good and can go home in a little bit. They waited until I wasn’t nauseous and stopped crying, helped me get dressed and into a bathroom, and then handed me discharge papers and helped me into the car. I was home by 7 am and in our bed.
For 6 weeks I carried a little tiny tiny tiny baby without knowing.
I lost my left tube and our babe.
Ectopics aren’t something that are taught in health class. They aren’t something that gets announced. They aren’t a topic of conversation. Pregnancy loss seems to be a hush hush kind of thing, yet it is a pretty common thing.
For 2 weeks I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t work, and could hardly be by myself. They give you some heavy meds to help your body heal but nothing to help you emotionally heal. It was a major trauma.
January 11, 2019. Our due date. The day we should have expected to bring our bundle of happiness of home. Instead I had an empty womb. We have had several doctors appointments since May 21st to resolve complications and we are still working on resolving some.
Devastated. Heart broken. Confused. Mad. Sad.
Bringing this conversation up is not to make you sad. It is so that you understand why I can’t express my happiness for your baby announcement, why I can’t go to your baby shower, or why I can’t hold your baby. It is earth shattering to lose a baby. Our little Morgan Galveston never got to come home with us.
I am so excited for you to have a baby I just can’t handle it right now as badly as I want to. I turn my head in public when a baby is around and quickly scroll past your baby announcements on the internet. It’s not that I’m not happy for you. It’s that I’m sad for us.
We kept this quiet for a long time, not to hide it from anyone but to grieve on our own. We appreciate any support and kind words. We send our congratulations to any expecting parents and to any new parents.
Grief is a long and hard road. Please excuse my messy home if you come over, some days it’s hard to get myself in the shower let alone pick the house up. Please excuse me if I don’t come out to hang out. I am trying but it is hard.
Thank you for all your love and friendship. If you were one of the few that knew and came to help me out those first 2 weeks I really treasure you.
Hallie Dantzler 